Cheaters

It was disclosed to me that a person I know (who has been in a long term relationship for 2+ years) has been cheating on their partner. This, to me, is the lowest of the low. The most disgusting thing a person can ever do to the person they love.

I have always prided myself on honesty and reliability and in my mind cheating is what people do when they hate themselves so much that they do not know how else to express it but to hurt those around them who are seemingly hurting them in the first place.

A while back, a friend who is also in a long term relationship confess that they don't believe there is such a thing as a relationship where no one cheats (emotionally, with a kiss, or more, but something). I think this is untrue to the core! I have been in many committed relationships and never at any point did I ever let someone else touch me, kiss me or stick their penis in or around me.

I have never smoked a cigarette and I have never cheated. I never plan on doing either one of these things in my life time. And I would hope the man I choose for myself would feel the same way!

What do you do when you are on the receiving end of this? When you hear the rumor that the love of your life has been dipping his stick where it don't belong? That your wife has been on her knees when she was "out of town on business" - and not to scrub the floors!

To me, the answer is simple - run! There are many people who disagree and say that it was a one time thing and that it wont happen again, but I think that it is rare that a person who is feeling disconnected from their partner will suddenly feel more connected after experiencing something else. Particularly if the sex was good. Or if they felt good in the moment about it.

I believe that in many cases the remorse is genuine. There is a feeling of guilt and a painful understanding of what the innocent bi-stander might be feeling. But that doesn't mean that the issues that were there in the first place have been solved. And as the saying goes "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

Beware my friends, of those who cheat. Run away. Run fast. Don't look back and just keep moving. Your heart will thank you later

The "L" Bomb

As anyone who has ever been in love before knows, the whole process is terrifying. From day one when you first feel that spark that alerts you that this thing is going to be serious, the butterflies enter your stomach and pretty much camp out there.

Of course, the nerves are based on excitement and adrenaline, but they remain (and grow) with-in you for a very long time. And seemingly they are inexplicable in those first few months. Things are going relatively well [that is to say that so far no one has thrown any dishes or called anyone's mothers yet], and there is a level of comfort that you feel with that person that doesn't exist elsewhere.

And yet, it is clear that until the day comes that you do finally say "I love you" you walk on eggshells trying not to screw it up or to let them know that you are that vulnerable because a few words strung together could change your entire life.

Love is serious business, and I believe that it comes in many forms. But this kind of love, the kind that sends chills down your spine, is the scariest of them all! It takes hold and before you know it, you are biting your tongue at every cute gesture just so the words don't accidentally fall out of your mouth before 'it is time'.

The rational thought would be that, of course, once the words actually do escape your mouth (if you are smart, after your partner has said it first), that the butterflies would find their way out and that the universe would settle. But I have learned it isn't so. In fact, perhaps the opposite holds true. Because now, you have far more to lose.

Those three words create a bond. They pull two people together and rise them up from being two close people, to two souls now tied together by a sort of oath. The words are not nearly as powerful as "I do", but they often can create many of the same tensions with less of the guarantee that the love will be there forever, or even for that matter, that it is mutual.

I have loved a lot in my life. I tend to see things in black and white, so it is pretty likely that unless I kinda hate you, I love you. But I must say the worst love I have experienced is the kind that wasn't reciprocated. The fear, angst and terror a person can feel when love is a one way street really is inexplicable. Those butterflies quadruple in numbers and seem to fly faster and in less organized patterns of flight. And though I loved him very much, in the end, the fear made me crazy and he was gone in a flash.

Love can be beautiful, and it can be fun and thrilling and exciting. But there are down sides to those three words "I Love You", so be careful with you heart.







For more advice on love, loss, chemistry and catastrophe please email janamstern@gmail.com

hell no!

A shy single girl sits at the bar with her friends. She sees a man who is far too good looking for this planet, let alone this bar. Her heart stops. She gapes at him for a moment and quickly looks away, not wanting to get caught staring.

As the night wears on, she continues to gaze over at her prince charming who seems to have changed out of his shining armor and into some delicious Zegna suit for the time being.

One time he saw her looking and caught her eye. She did her best not to literally melt into a puddle that resembles herself. But he looked away again after a moment and she convinced herself that "If he didn't feel the chemistry, leave the conversation he is in the middle of having and come running to me, it wasn't meant to be."

And so, at the end of the night she gets up from the table with her friends, heads out the door with one more glance back at him, and leaves.

Moment over. Dream gone.

Faking it!

No not that "It" you perv! I mean faking it when it comes to your partner's interests!

Ever dated a sports fanatic? Can't miss a game of hockey/ football/ euro football/ lacrosse/ baseball /basket ball/ tennis/ golf/ televised ping pong/ basically any game with a ball involved to save his life? The guy knows every sport and knows every stat that goes along with it - and he feels it important to share this information with you even though you could really care less how many runs this guy had in 2005.

But, my friends, this is the trick! This is the way to keep things status quot. I once was in a relationship with a guy just like that. As if it wasn't enough that I was missing watching Friends (the episode where they have Thanks Giving and Chandler has to be in box too. I mean that's a classic!), now I have to sit here and watch this damn sport and hear my man spit off every stat he can think of in 15 minutes or less!

As annoyed and un-entertained as I was, I must say that there is something undeniably cute about a man and his sports. Maybe because I grew up around loving brothers who obsessed over football, basket ball, baseball and hockey; or maybe because I do get pleasure from seeing others in their happiest moments, I just kinda love the stats guy.

They seem like kids a little, don't they? And all you can think is "this is a pain in the ass, but look how cutely excited he is!" And so, you fake it. You ask questions about number 34 and say stuff like "who chooses the numbers for them?" even though the answer means less than nothing to you. You might even see that after a while, it begins to grow on you and you become a sports fan yourself!

This rule applies to men too. In fact, it might be the key to any relationship (don't quote me on that). Compromising makes for a happy couple. And sometimes, it means faking it. Your guy might really not like to wander aimlessly from store to store touching fabrics and holding things up to your body to envision if that top is the right top for you - but he had better fake it!

Faking it when it comes to things that your partner likes to do can be a great way to better get to know the person you are with. It can also lead to new interests for yourself. Oddly enough, I have found, it makes for a better sex life too. Some how when one person feels that the other is genuinely interested in their own life, they become more sexually attracted to that person and reach a new level of comfort with them. This makes it a lot easier to get her to get on top a little (and who doesn't like to enjoy that?)!

So don't be afraid to fake it a little ;)







For more advice on love, loss, chemistry and catastrophe please email janamstern@gmail.com

On Chemistry...

Compatibility is a hard thing to find. Of all the hundreds of thousands of people out there, how do you know just exactly who your soul mate is just by having a billion cups of coffee or glasses of white wine in the company of those you are certain do not fit the bill?

Having successfully set up a number of my friends with their potential soul mates, I have begun to wonder if I am somewhat of a scientist because I seem to have other people's chemistry down pat. I think the main difference between myself and other people who set their friends and family members up with other people is that I consider both parties in their entirety and go from there...

I see many people approach my friends with the following sales pitch: "I have a great guy/girl for you. S/he is a [insert profession] and s/he lives [insert affluent neighborhood]. S/he comes from a good family and s/he is very sweet." I like to call this person the 'on paper person' because on paper, the person seems great. Whats not to like? Good job. Has their own home. Works hard. Loves their family and is a good person.

But inevitably, once you meet the person they have every flaw that you know doesn't fit your bill, and you are left with the nasty buzz in your ear that whispers "is this what people think I am looking for?" The setter-up didn't take into consideration all the things that matter to a person beyond social status and familial relationships. People go much deeper than that and often the piece of paper proves to be flimsy and delicate - not qualities one would look for in a relationship!

The art of setting two people up goes much deeper than that. There has to be a relate-ability factor that exists on many different levels. Do they both like the same music? If they don't, would one person be more affected by this? Do they both like fine dining? If one doesn't, how would the one who does feel about it? Are they both working? If one is in school or unemployed, how would that make the employed person feel? And on and on and on.

The reason that my set ups work is because I evaluate my friends and acquaintances as best I can. I see their faults and their perks and try and find a person that will best compliment those things and will likely not throw their hands up in a fit because their partner can't stand to listen to Lady Gaga.

Have a look at a past relationship you had. You went into it with an open mind and a willing heart, and eventually, something tore you apart. The most common thing people say (if no one cheated) is that "it wasn't meant to be". But have you ever looked into why? Did they leave their toothbrush dirty on the counter instead of cleanly in the cup provided? Did they take their shoes off in the middle of the room and just leave them there? Chew with their mouth open? What was it that drove you apart?

These things might seem trivial and almost like a bad episode of Seinfeld, but they often hold a lot of validity to them. If the thought of a messy bathroom makes you want to grab the Lysol and start scrubbing, then maybe the dirty toothbrush was a big deal, but instead of asking for the compromise or even *gasp* doing it yourself if you want it done, you throw it onto that pile of crap that eventually turns into the pink elephant in the room.

My grandmother, who has been married for 81 years (by the end of this month), says one thing to me whenever I meet a new guy: "Don't tell me what you like about him. Tell me what you don't like that you can live with." {Hows THAT for advice!!!}

Her point is simple: if you can't stand something about him when you first get to know each other, its never going to change. So either love that part about him, or get the hell out now!

  
For more advice on love, loss, chemistry and catastrophe please email janamstern@gmail.com