Having successfully set up a number of my friends with their potential soul mates, I have begun to wonder if I am somewhat of a scientist because I seem to have other people's chemistry down pat. I think the main difference between myself and other people who set their friends and family members up with other people is that I consider both parties in their entirety and go from there...
I see many people approach my friends with the following sales pitch: "I have a great guy/girl for you. S/he is a [insert profession] and s/he lives [insert affluent neighborhood]. S/he comes from a good family and s/he is very sweet." I like to call this person the 'on paper person' because on paper, the person seems great. Whats not to like? Good job. Has their own home. Works hard. Loves their family and is a good person.
But inevitably, once you meet the person they have every flaw that you know doesn't fit your bill, and you are left with the nasty buzz in your ear that whispers "is this what people think I am looking for?" The setter-up didn't take into consideration all the things that matter to a person beyond social status and familial relationships. People go much deeper than that and often the piece of paper proves to be flimsy and delicate - not qualities one would look for in a relationship!
The art of setting two people up goes much deeper than that. There has to be a relate-ability factor that exists on many different levels. Do they both like the same music? If they don't, would one person be more affected by this? Do they both like fine dining? If one doesn't, how would the one who does feel about it? Are they both working? If one is in school or unemployed, how would that make the employed person feel? And on and on and on.
The reason that my set ups work is because I evaluate my friends and acquaintances as best I can. I see their faults and their perks and try and find a person that will best compliment those things and will likely not throw their hands up in a fit because their partner can't stand to listen to Lady Gaga.
Have a look at a past relationship you had. You went into it with an open mind and a willing heart, and eventually, something tore you apart. The most common thing people say (if no one cheated) is that "it wasn't meant to be". But have you ever looked into why? Did they leave their toothbrush dirty on the counter instead of cleanly in the cup provided? Did they take their shoes off in the middle of the room and just leave them there? Chew with their mouth open? What was it that drove you apart?
These things might seem trivial and almost like a bad episode of Seinfeld, but they often hold a lot of validity to them. If the thought of a messy bathroom makes you want to grab the Lysol and start scrubbing, then maybe the dirty toothbrush was a big deal, but instead of asking for the compromise or even *gasp* doing it yourself if you want it done, you throw it onto that pile of crap that eventually turns into the pink elephant in the room.
My grandmother, who has been married for 81 years (by the end of this month), says one thing to me whenever I meet a new guy: "Don't tell me what you like about him. Tell me what you don't like that you can live with." {Hows THAT for advice!!!}
Her point is simple: if you can't stand something about him when you first get to know each other, its never going to change. So either love that part about him, or get the hell out now!
For more advice on love, loss, chemistry and catastrophe please email janamstern@gmail.com
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